New York, NY- The Yankees won their 27th World Series Championship after besting the Phillies in Game 6 by a score of 7-3.
Many fans of the disappointed Phillies (and the lifeless Red Sox fans) have started the perennial complaint about the Yankees payroll, and how they shouldn’t be allowed to spend their money.
In other news, MLB has announced recently that people with stronger biceps will be forced to slice them in half and share them with their weaker counterparts. Anyone with height exceeding 6’0″ will be forced to undergo a nonvoluntary footectomy. Anyone an age under 25 will be forced to submit to with doctor Hazaloo’s soul drain in order to level the playing field.
NEW YORK, Ny. – The New York Yankees have won their 77th game of the season, and stand 32 games over .500 at 77-45. They have now defeated their arch-rival Boston Red Sox for the fifth time in a row and are on pace for a 100+ win season. They hold a 7.5 game lead in the AL East, and have the best record in all of baseball, but the question remains, are they any good?
BOSTON, Ma. – Red Sox Hall of Famer Jim Rice today criticized telephones for being too “Mobile” and “Colorful”.
The comments came on the heels of his recent comments in which he said New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter was a poor role model for children. The speech, given to the Little League World Series teams, included examples of players he wouldn’t want them to look up to.
The speech, meant to inspire the young players, taught many of them the values that Jim Rice espouses.
“I learned that you should always talk about people when they aren’t in the same room as you! That way there’s no way they can defend themselves or beat the heck out of you!”, said 12 year old Benjamin Johnston, “Mr. Rice definitely inspired me to go out there and mock other people. It gives me real hope that someone with such subpar numbers as Mr. Rice could get into the Hall of Fame, and do it without even winning a title! I’m going to grow up to be just as bitter as he is!”
SCRANTON, Penn. - The Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees called up Mark Teixeira from the New York Yankees today. They said he has shown great promise in the American League and thought he was ready to play in the International League.
“I man he has a great glove, and at time his bat has shown great life as well”, said a source inside of the Scranton clubhouse, “We just felt he was wasting his talent down in New York and he should be brought somewhere where he could really make a difference and impact. We don’t want to bring him up too quickly, you know, don’t want to rush him, but our goal every year is to win the Governor’s cup, not some World Series.”
Teixeira has often been a bright spot for the AL Yankees, and SWB has been keeping an eye on his development for sometime now. The Scranton Wilkes-Barre fans have often been seen blogging about Teixeira and pushing for them to bring him out of the doldrums of American League play to focus more on the International League.
The 1st place Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees hope this move solidifies their already solid year, but the move will leave the New York affiliate of the Yankees without one of their only performing players.
In other news, the New York Yankees have announced they will be moving to the New York Rockland County Softball League in order to increase their chances of making the playoffs this year.
PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – The Philadelphia Phillies coaching staff and trainers have announced today they have discovered the answer to their recent losing streak.
“Well, it turns out that when we lose games its because we aren’t scoring enough runs. The other team sometimes scores 5 runs and we score 3 runs, then when the 9th inning is over, we end up losing” , said Milt Thompson, Phillies batting coach.
Several theories on how to remedy the problem have been floated by the coaching staff. Among there are:
-Score more runs
-Score more runs before the bottom of the 9th inning.
-Don’t let the other team score as many runs
-Run around the bases and touch home plate more
When questioned about the six game home losing streak, manager Charlie Manuel said that he thinks the staff’s new approach may pay dividends. “Well when we score runs, maybe 6 or 7 of them, but the other team doesn’t score 6 or 7, but maybe fewer, we tend to win games, so when we look at that, we tried to analyze the tape and we think our new tactic will work.”
Stats: The Phillies are a stunning 36-0 when leading their opponents after 9 innings. On the other hand they have now fallen to 0-31 when scoring fewer times through the entire game than their opponents.
BOSTON, Ma. - Red Sox hurler Jonathan Papelbon was unhappy with the strike zone during Sunday’s game vs. Atlanta.
“I mean, my pitches that were only 3 or 4 inches off the plate weren’t being called strikes today, what the heck was with that?”, he said, “I am Jonathan f*****ng Papelbon!”
When asked about the questionable calls that went against the Braves, Papelbon replied, “I AM JONATHAN PAPELBON, ME HUNGRY, ME WANT HURT”, he went on to threaten several members of the press with quote “brain biting” and threatened to gut several babies.
Bobby Cox, Chipper Jones and Pitcher O’Flaherty were ejected after JD Drew struck out but was called a ball, then hit home the go ahead run. Jones was particularly incensed because he was called out on strikes on a pitch at the ankles in the first inning.
The Red Sox have announced that umpire check cashing has now been streamlined so that they can pick up their compensation at the booth right next to the Red Sox dugout. “We hope that this will really speed up and streamline the process before our games, so we don’t have to go through all the trouble of wrangling, signing checks, putting them in envelopes, discreetly dropping twin line-up cards and giving each other a little wink while apologizing for the mixup” , said Red Sox owner John Henry.
In other alteration news, the Red Sox have announced that they will be moving the right field foul pole, or Pesky’s Pole, to 45 feel up the 1st base foul line, in hopes of getting the first ever bunt homerun.
BOSTON, Ma. – Owner Henry of the Red Sox today announced that the Red Sox, over the off-season, will be making a couple additions to Fenway Park.
In an effort to make Fenway Park more hitter friendly for not only left handed hitters, but also right handed hitters, the Red Sox will be constructing a twin for the Green Monster in right field. In addition, the original green monster will be 80 feet high as will its twin.
The small opening between the twin monsters will now be known as 3 point range. Any homeruns hit there will now be worth 3 runs per run.
In other news, the Milton Bradley of the Chicago Cubs began striking out with only 2 strikes, he says, in support of Tibetan freedom.
WASHINGTON, DC – The Washington Nationals were the subject of some embarassment on Sunday earlier this week, when they found out that the game they were playing was not, in fact, golf, but instead baseball.
“You know, we really didn’t know. We had thought we just used a more American style of play than those Europeans, we kept our scores very low, we thought we were doing really well this year.” Said Ryan Zimmerman.
The news came as somewhat of a disappointment to the team, who were 17 strokes below par as of the 65th hole of the year, but in baseball that translated into a 16-46 record.
Since the news came out that the Nationals were a baseball team, they have gone 4-1, defeating the New York Yankees twice at Yankee Stadium, and defeating the Blue Jays two games in a row at home. The Nationals pitching staff, formerly the ball cleaners, have held opponents to just 11 runs in the last 5 games, a 2.2 runs/game average.
When asked, manager Acta of the Nationals said the error could have been made by anyone, “Both games have guys swinging a stick at some little white balls, so no one even noticed.”
In other news, Michael Vick has recently declined an invitation to join the Patriots because he quote “didn’t want to compromise his integrity” by playing for the Patriots.
MIAMI, Fla. - After a 2-1 loss to the Marlins on Saturday, several Yankees were seen out in Miami apparently grabbing a bite to eat.
Among the Yankees seen were Robinson Cano (2B) and Derek Jeter (SS). They approached a small kiosk when Jeter grounded into a double play over appetizers.
“I really don’t want to think about it, I mean, just have to play tomorrow right?”, said the Yankee shortstop. When asked about grounding into a double play at dinner, Jeter replied “It’s something that just happens in dinner sometimes you know? It happens to everyone, so no it won’t bother me, we just had a bad dinner.”
Cano, who grounded into a game ending double play against the Nationals, and the Marlins, was seen grounding into a double play shortly after grilled cheese. He agreed with his captain, “You do what you can, you go into each dinner trying to do your best, but sometimes you just can’t get it done.”
RSSN can confirm that Derek Jeter hit a slow roller towards second base shortly before bed, and was thrown out at first shortly thereafter, ending the Yankee rally in the top of the 11pm hour.
In other news, the Red Sox defeated the Atlanta Braves. They won one World Series Championship in the 5th,6th and 7th innings each, before being retired in the 8th and 9th easily.
The following is a REAL article, cited below.
By John Barone / MLB.com
06/20/09 1:13 AM ET
“BOSTON — Most would agree that Josh Beckett and Derek Lowe are quality Major League starters. They’ve combined for 229 career victories, two 20-win seasons and 2,536 strikeouts. Though they rank among two of the best right-handed pitchers in baseball, similarities between the two are few and far between.
When they oppose each other on Saturday night at Fenway Park, Beckett and Lowe will provide Red Sox fans an opportunity to watch two of the players most responsible for their team’s recent championship success.
In Boston, Beckett and Lowe are forever revered as postseason heroes. Their paths to prominence, however, were quite different.
Acquired in a 2005 trade with Florida, Beckett dominated opposing lineups from start to finish in 2007. One year after a subpar debut with the Red Sox, the fiery flamethrower authored a 20-win season that only picked up steam under the spotlight of playoff baseball.
Beckett didn’t disappoint on the game’s greatest stage. In 30 postseason innings against the Angels, Indians and Rockies, he struck out 35 and walked just two, posting a 1.20 ERA in leading Boston to its second title in four seasons.
For Lowe, who returned to Fenway Park this weekend as a member of the Braves, headlining a World Series run was the furthest thing from his mind before the dawn of the 2004 playoffs.
Relegated to bullpen duty at the start of the postseason following 33 regular-season starts, the sinkerballer responded by earning a victory in each of the Red Sox’s series-clinching wins over the Angels, Yankees and Cardinals. A playoff role that began as a long reliever soon blossomed into a rotation spot alongside Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling by postseason’s end.
“I remember calling him in [to the office] to tell him he wasn’t going to be in the playoff rotation,” Red Sox manager Terry Francona said. “He was not very happy with me — or anybody — that day. I remember telling him, ‘You’re going to have a big [difference] in the outcome of this series [against the Angels].’ I gave him the manager talk, but it came true.
“He had as much to say about that series as anybody. I don’t think it was very easy for him to accept. We were obviously trying to make good decisions, and I don’t apologize for that. But I also understand why he cared. He had been pitching all year, and he wanted to keep pitching. But rather than pout, he went ahead and pushed as good as he could. Short rest, long rest, he did everything, and he helped us win.”
Years after their respective playoff heroics, it’s safe to say the efforts of Beckett and Lowe won’t soon be forgotten in a city once starved for championship glory.
“The specialty of it was being able to win with a group of guys who played together for a long time,” Lowe said. “A lot of us have gone our separate ways, but you never forget that year. It was a unique year and a unique time, and that’s what you always try to remember.”
BOS: RHP Josh Beckett (7-3, 4.15 ERA)
Beckett’s run of seven consecutive quality starts came to an abrupt end on Sunday in Philadelphia, where he was pounded for 11 hits and seven runs (six earned) over six innings. Beckett is 3-0 with a 3.55 ERA in six home starts this season. Opponents are hitting .245 against him. Lifetime against the Braves, Beckett is 6-7 with a 2.45 ERA.
ATL: RHP Derek Lowe (7-4, 4.08 ERA)
This should be an interesting homecoming for Lowe, who hasn’t pitched in Boston since playing a key postseason role in 2004. Recognized as a big-game pitcher, the veteran sinkerballer will be looking to erase the disappointment he encountered on Sunday, when he allowed seven earned runs and lasted just 2 1/3 innings against the Orioles. He had been 6-2 with a 3.50 ERA in his previous nine outings. In 46 starts at Fenway Park since becoming a full-time starter in 2002, Lowe is 28-10 with a 3.20 ERA.
Friday night’s 8-2 loss to the Braves marked the third time this season the Red Sox have been held to two hits or fewer in a game, and the second time in as many days following Thursday’s rain-shortened 2-1 setback against the Marlins. … Reliever Justin Masterson has not allowed an earned run in his past six outings, dating back to June 4. … Fifteen of left fielder Jason Bay’s 18 home runs this season have come with at least one runner on base.”